A letter to (tech) recruiters 2.0

My initial letter to (tech) recruiters got a lot of positive feedback, more than I expected. It seems recruiters do have a sense of humor. Most of them, anyway. So I have decided to continue the saga.

Below are some other types of recruiter approaches I encountered over time.

The “Pinocchio”

What can make a Sunday evening more enjoyable than receiving a phone call from a recruiter eager to explain to me how amazing the work-life balance is in their company!?! And I’m like: sure, but before we start, where are you calling from exactly? Timezone-wise? Asking for a friend…

The “feudal warlord”

Hi Tudor, I’m looking for a <insert-technology-here> ninja…

Trouble with the shogun again? A variation on the same theme is the agent, hiring “rockstars”. Let’s make it clear: if you sit all day at a computer, drinking Mountain Dew, eating potato chips, and then using your dirty fingers to copy/paste code from Stackoverflow in your project, you’re as far from rockstar or ninja as you can possibly be.

And yes, I know my personal domain is tudorbarbu.ninja! Don’t act like you’ve never seen a hypocrite before.

The “a night at the museum”

Zend Framework 1, PHP 5.3, jQuery, CentOS 6. SVN. Deployment via FTP. And whatever system Tutankhamun used to keep track of his sheep. Sure, just let me get my archeology kit. One question though: do I get a company phone? A Nokia 3310 would be cool. I always wanted one. Back in high school…

The “clickbait copywriter”

Are you bored of your job? Do you want to work on some cool projects? Then check out this amazing offer…

Yes, that’s the spirit. Assume my job sucks. Awesome starting point for any conversation. I feel like a proverbial Disney princess trapped in my tower of work boredom, waiting for my LinkedIn Prince Charming to save me. I would throw you my long beautiful hair to climb up on it, but nature hasn’t been that generous with me in that area.

Maybe my quarantine beard will do the trick?

The “orator”

Nothing quite like verbal communication.

Hi Tudor, I have an offer you may be interested in. Can you please give me your phone number so that I can tell you more?

I don’t think I can stress this enough: Fuck NO! I would rather drink bong water.

The “bargain hunter”

The requirements are stellar: expensive certifications, years of work experience, PhDs. Open-source contributions. Great people skills, ability to mentor, and deliver training to the junior members of the team. Salary just above minimum wage.

Sure, I love investing thousands of euros on education and then work the next 20 years to get it back. Keeps me engaged. But before we start, do you offer some benefits? Like water at the tap?

The “roulette”

Hi Tudor, I’m <recruiter>, bla bla bla, cool position, bla bla. Salary bewteen 22k and 65k per annum.

Seriously? Are you telling me that there’s an engineer in your company making 22k and the one to the left makes 3 times that for the same job!?! This feels more like a gamble than a legit employment offer.

Out of curiosity, what do I need to do in order to be towards the top of the range? Do I spin a wheel of fortune on my first day? Sleep with the boss? Not necessarily a deal-breaker, the quarantine has been long and lonely, but can I get some pics before I swipe right?

The “I know some keywords”

We’re hiring a senior engineer, 5–7 years of experience. Requirements: OOP, git, design patterns and other things copy-pasted from the 1st year curriculum at any computer science university.

The only way a senior software engineer doesn’t know OOP is if we’re talking about a senior citizen who starts coding in their 80s. I know I haven’t been using face cream in, well, 30 something years, and my swimsuit model days are long gone. But seriously…

The “friendly fire”

It seems not even recruiters themselves are immune to recruiter spam. Just add “specialized in recruiting <technology> roles” to your profile and see what happens.

The next article will be constructive. I swear on my ninja honor!

Read the follow-up here: A Letter to Tech Recruiters — The Constructive Approach